Author's Note: After reading it over a few more times, I decided my first chapter didn't start with enough of a bang. So here's a bit of a prologue, to (hopefully) get people interested quickly.
King of Babylon
Dark Sploosh
Chapter 0: Good Old Days
The young king stared at the city before him, its towers rising to the heavens, the island it sat upon flat yet majestic, and the waters lapping at its edges the perfect reflection of the dark sky above. Taking it all in, all the king could do was laugh to himself. Never in his twenty years had he imagined he would rule it.
Or anything, for that matter.
Their fleet was waiting within a thick fog, the gap which the king observed the city through disappearing with the winds. It didn’t matter. The city would be his by morning.
He heard footsteps behind him on the deck of the boat.
“Master,” a deep voice said, “invasion can begin any moment. Only need your word.”
The king smiled to himself, a strong breeze blowing away the fog and sending the magnificent red cape he wore billowing about him. Fantastic clothes, an army, all the women and girls he could ever want. Soon a city, a city of his own. Life was good.
“My word, huh?” the king said, unable to take his eyes off the soon-to-be capital of his new world. “Well then. Begin.”
At that, the tall figure behind the king nodded and gave the signal. The other ships all saw, and they began the charge forward, slicing through the remaining fog. Their speed was unmatched by any other vessel in the world. This world, anyway.
The capital ship, which the king’s observation deck was situated on, held back. The fighting would be fun, of course, but the king wasn’t ready to enter the fray yet. For now, he just wished to watch his conquest begin before his eyes.
In seconds the citizens of that metropolis would see their end hurtling towards them on the dark waters, and they would have no idea what to do. An attack of this kind had never been carried out on the city. No country on Earth was that suicidal.
“It’s a good thing I don’t have my own country yet, then,” the king chuckled.
“Master,” the tall man said, “glad you’re happy. Dreams will soon come true.”
“No,” the king replied, shaking his head. “Not soon. It will take time. One city won’t make up an empire. But from here the rest of the country will fall. The world shouldn’t be much worse.”
“Read once that other humans have tried,” the man grunted. “Failed.”
“Napoleon, the Mongols, Alexander, those guys, huh?” The king sighed. His servant was a valuable ally, but he sometimes forgot the outstanding nature of their situation. “Well, they never possessed the power I have.”
“True,” the servant said. “But that was long time ago. Possible they did have it, in older days. Our gift isn’t absolute, master.”
Suddenly, the cannons fired in the distance. Bright lights peppered the city, leaving clouds of dust and smoke in their wake. If he strained his ears, the king could almost make out the screaming of the citizens under fire.
“Once our forces land, make sure they focus on the citizens over everything else,” the king ordered. “I want them all accounted for. Everyone over thirty should be killed on sight.”
“Forgive me, master, but our troops don’t know humans well. Could be hard to tell ages.”
“They’ve seen me enough, and the human slaves we already possess. Just let them guess. A few dead teenagers and children won’t bother me.”
“Yes, master. And what should we do with the those we don’t kill?”
The king smiled, turning to face his inhuman servant. He possessed the shape of a man, was tall and muscular, but had skin of an unnaturally dark color, like coal. At least it was that color here, in good light. In the darkness, the servant’s full inhumanity became obvious.
“All the males and the ugly girls should be put to work as laborers. All the attractive girls will go join the rest in my brothels.”
The servant frowned.
“Once again, master, don’t quite know what constitutes human female beauty.”
The king shrugged, walking back to his throne. Three of his slave girls were chained, naked, to the massive ivory chair. Perhaps a bit cliche, but that was understandable. Something so fun would no
doubt have been copied by any sensible ruler.
“See these?” the king said, gesturing to the girls. “These are your examples. Really, I thought most of our men had gone through all the slave girls we had before I even arrived on the scene. They’ll know. You don’t give them enough credit.”
The servant shrugged, his frown set firmly on his face.
“What’s wrong?” the king asked, taking a seat on the throne. He lazily reached out to stroke the bare skin of one of the girls. She flinched at his touch. Sighing, he pulled away.
“Want to fight, master,” the servant said.
The king stared at his servant’s smoky eyes for a moment, and then laughed.
“That’s all? You could have said something earlier. Yes, go fight. Have fun.”
The frown rose up into a grin. The servant bowed deeply.
“Thank you,” he said. Turning, he walked out of the observation deck, stepping into the night. But he could still be seen, for he had changed.
Twisting and flickering from somewhere inside his body was a flame, smoldering his skin and emitting a blazing glow. He looked almost as if he was on fire.
The people of that city will beg for their lives seeing an entire army of those charging at them, the king thought.
“Hey!” the king shouted, suddenly getting an idea. The burning head of the servant turned back.
“Master?”
“I want to use my second one, now.”
The servant nodded.
After thinking quickly of what to say, the king stood up from his throne and held out his hand.
“I wish for a magnificent tower in the center of that city, rising above all other structures in the world, from where I can live in luxury and rule all the lands I will conquer.”
The moment the final word escaped his lips, a piece of the servant’s burning flame separated from his body. It streaked towards the city like a shooting star, piercing the fog and all the piercing in its way. It disappeared into the heart of the buildings in the distance, but seconds later a deep rumbling shook air.
As the king watched his tower rise from the Earth, rocketing to its apex above the rest of the city, laughter wracked his body. He could not remember a single moment in his life before now that he had ever been this happy.
With a dismissive wave, he gave the servant permission to fight. The fiery man leapt into the ocean and began to swim towards the battle. A ridiculous act, but a testament to his species’ physical prowess.
The servant had earned his fun. The king returned to his throne, petting the hair of the girl who had earlier shook at his touch. She did not reject him this time.
The king stared at the city before him, and felt almost as if it was the return of a dear old friend the world had lost thousands of years before. He waved at the explosions of battle and his tower rising above it all, smiling.
“Welcome back,” he said.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
Hello Dark Sploosh.
I'm breaking a rule here. I'm listening to music while I review. Today by the smashing pumpkins needs to be listened to. Alright. You asked me a long time to read this. And, I'm here. I probably won't be able to give you one of them line by line reviews because those are mostly grammar mistakes, but I shall point something out if I see it. Off I go...
Alright. What's this guy's issue? His words are choppy. "glad you're happy" "need your word" What happened to 'I' or 'We'? haha. He bugs me.
Now we listen to Rest in Pieces by Saliva.
Can we talk about this? I think this would be the perfect opportunity for the king to think some things to himself. What's he thinking?
See what I mean? Although this bugs me now, it may grow on me. Buuut if you are doing this purposely because it has to do with his character building, have the king notice how lacking he is in speech. Please? Or at least have it be later. You're choice.
Well, a change of pace here. One Love by Bob Marley.
I really like this description.
Buhah. What? I dislike him.
earth doesn't need to be capitalized here. Since you're not meaning the planet, but the ground.
99 Luft Balloons...the german version, obviously. The english version kinda sucks. It's not as hard-ass-women-power. You know?
_________________________________________________
Okay. It's got everything a prologue needs. It's vague yet draws me in. Congrats with that. An overall here would only include that I'd like you to go deeper with your king's emotions. Granted he seems to be an iced heart bastard, even they have some thoughts and things running through their mind. Also, go a little further with your descriptions. You give us a few sentences, but you can write paragraphs drawing out how striking this battle is for your king.
And I leave you with click click boom by Saliva.
p.s. I'll read more soon. I promise.
In terms of a hello, I’m all for starting out with “the king” and ending with a nice forceful “the king” (with an emphasis on those two occasions, ‘cause it looks nice - I’m not counting all the necessary, or even not so necessary but then not pecking at the eyes with “the king” between the beginning and ending), but “the king” in two consecutive sentences of the introductory paragraph? Nah.
And maybe it’s because of that that I see a sort of a string syndrome, so a character defined by name only, with that molding a story following that label. Yes, “the king” is up and about, interacting with other characters, using modern expressions and about to attack a city. But there isn’t enough flesh and blood, somehow.
Quote:
the king thought.
“Hey!” the king shouted,
And then perhaps it’s not the character himself, but reference to him – mostly “the king”. It’s limiting, squishing sparks of life. I’m by no means demanding even a name, no. I actually very much like it that he’s only “the king” – but it’s “the king” too many times.
On a slightly different note, I like the dialogue of the servant, the missing sthing on the beginning of whatever he says. Characteristic, stands out, makes him more than a useless secondary character that is needed for the main char to talk to. And while we’re at the secondary character -
Aliens!
That’s what first came to my mind when I saw “Earth” capitalized, actually, and I’m not too sure if that’s a good thing. Me, I hate sci-fi with a passion. But, but, to the invasion. Not aliens in the space sense, then, but in an “Otherworld” one, like elves or something like that (the relied). People on fire, in fact – I would in fact like an expanded description of that transformation. Right now it’s two sentences just there, written to be there but not much more, and I would like and expect more.
People will be begging – show us that. Terrify. Make my eyes wide, not slide over the text.
But back to the “Earth” idea. Human vs. inhuman. It was bluntly stated that the servant is not in fact human (transformation and all that jazz), again, speech idea a terrific one, which is beside the point here, but nevermind. Human/inhuman, evil/(good?).
Ah, evil. Before I forget, because I just might, I’ll type it now and digress and you’ll forgive me, yes? That emphasis on evil with the king – the slave girl scene. That came out a bit, well, flat. That part was just there, and what with it? I felt no sympathy whatsoever to that slave girl, put that in multiple. I know that the him/her interaction was yet another means to show us how horribly bad he is – but it turned out to be a horribly two-dimensional attempt in the process. A naked girl chained to his throne. Yes, well, fine.
So?
Show us reaction on her part (nothing elaborate, really, but just more than that “shaking”, yes?) In which we make a full circle and return to the king, who’s a spoiled brat and does bad things to females and wants to put the pretty ones in brothels. I don’t think it’s a good idea to run headlong into such ideas, and then just barely touch them after stating the evils, and keep at bay, and hope it played its part.
Moving on, the concept of “the second one” I found a bit baffling, and assumed it’s a three-wishes (plus, perhaps) of sorts thing happening here, but I’m not sure. A piece of the servant’s body kind of wish, which is a novel idea. In which, again, we return to spoiled brat – who’s human? Contemporary to us human (although that does not mean I like the expression “getting an idea” in the narration).
As this is a prologue, it works, and no other explanations are needed even if I did stop to think about it. Prologues make me sigh and grind my teeth for that reason alone, and I really can’t pick at them for that reason, which makes it worse. Woe is me, no?
On the other hand, I think a timeframe would be nice, and, ah, set the setting? That’s why I’m so ostentatiously returning to the king using his modern expressions. Mmm. Place – city on Earth. A bit vague, but be it. And he makes it so that a tower appears. There are ships around his (almost) city. I’m by no means demanding an in-depth narration of the citizens’ of that city emotions – but who are they? What is the city? Magical? No? References to Alexander, Napoleon – so maybe not? So it’s a normal modern city? With technology? Cellphones, railways, whatever?
Quote:
The king stared at the city before him, and felt almost as if it was the return of a dear old friend the world had lost thousands of years before.
Elaborate, and I don’t know if I like this sentence at all. I never do get all those analogies, but this once just floats about and flutters its wings like a really beautiful butterfly. Fluff.
And that’s about it. Novel concept, original idea, intriguing prologue.
Esme
Just so you know, I didn't read the other reviews, so pardon any repeating on my part.
The thing is, you don't want the opening sentence to be long. You need to try and catch the reader, and so the best way to do that is usually with a short sentence. This would be much better if you simply made "the young king stared at the city before him" the first sentence. Put a period and start the next. It will be much more effective.
First, saying "Women and girls" is redundant. Just say "women".
Second, change the second "a city of his own" to "one of his own". It lowers repetitiveness.
Lastl, the best way to write this is as shown below.
Fantastic clothes, an army, all the women he could ever want, and soon a city, one of his own. Life was good.
It just works better when you combine those two sentences.
What is the signal? You should mention what it is. If it's simply a wave of sorts, then the other ships wouldn't be able to see it, even if there wasn't any fog. The best sign would be one that could be heard and spread form ship to ship. Maybe it could be the blowing of a horn or something.
Didn't you just say that no attack had been inflicted upon the country? I know you say "an attack of this kind", but then you go on to say that no one was suicidal enough to try. Then later you name some that obviously were.
Personally, I think this is a little over the top for the main character. I mean seriously, what he's doing to those girls is horrible! I can't say I like him much at all. I think it would be better to maintain the way he is, but don't make it so flamboyant.
You don't need a comma. Here's the rule for you to follow:
If the sentence doesn't repeat the person's name or other identifying word (such as him, she it, etc), then you don't need a comma. These are some examples:
I ate the pie and went home.
Billy Bob Thornton ran to work but came home in the end.
The dog just peed on the fire hydrant but went again at the tree.
Now, the ones that need a comma are shown below. The words you need to look for are in bold.
I ate the pie, and then I ran to work off the fat.
Indiana Jones cracked his whip, and he won the girl's heart.
The pie was baked carefully, but it tasted horrible.
I went to the park, but I didn't have any fun.
Okay, moving on.
What do you mean by "piercing the fog and all the piercing in its way"? I think this was a typo, so try to reword whatever it is you tried to say.
Now, overall, despite the said issues, it was entertaining. There were a few things that you wrote that contradicted each other, but otherwise it was a pretty solid piece of writing. I'm not quite as ecstatic as some people here, but then again, I'm hard to please.
Well, I'm off, so good luck with the rest of it.
Wow. I thinks that's all I can say. Thank you for being vague in this prologue; as Springrain said, prologues are supposed to be vague, but for some reason most people have a hard time realizing that, and they like to complain that it's not detailed enough. Finally, an author with common sense
.
.
This was suggested to me by Deifyance, and he told me it was amazing. And he was right. I'm headed to chapter numero uno right away. I'm excited
Ooh, this is interesting and I'm going to have to go and read the other chapters now.
My initial assumption was that the creature was a demon, but now I'm thinking something more along the lines of a djinn. In any case, very cool description and quite an epic beginning for what I assume will be an epic story.
All of the actual critiques have been said by the other reviewers, so allow me to give you a nice ego boost. XD You are an excellent writer and I'm very excited about seeing more of this story. This is a type of prologue that really captures attention and imagination, and then leaves the reader wanting more.
All in all, great job! Now off to see the rest of it!
I agree with almost everyone above me. The first chapter was enough, but this seals it.
Im hooked.
I love how you can put together all the little peices and figure out, at least somewhat, what the characters personality is composed of.
Very good opening will be watching.
Hey Splooshie! June here!
This is a great prologue and all, but I have to say, your first chapter was hooking enough to hold my interest.
Anyway! I'm going to nit-pick at a few things here, because this is so well written, there's no bigger stuff to talk about other than the amazingness of it, which we'll get to in a minute.
The repetition of all so close together kind of stuck out to me as I read. I'm sure it's fine as it is, but something about it slightly disturbed the flow-- perhaps the first part of this sentence can be changed for something such as: As he took it in,?
Because you state later on that this servant is inhuman, I don't think that man should be used here, dear. I noticed that "man" hasn't been used for him, so perhaps this is an accident?
Eh, this part confused me a bit, dear, I'm not quite sure what was meant by this?
So, let's see!
• As Zankoku has pointed out, this is an excellent beginning to the story. The previous beginning was wonderful-- wasn't at all awkward or out-of-place, but this is like... spectacular.
• I love how the characters are not defined in this part. We get a vague idea of who and how they are, but we don't get to know them yet. Most often, so many writers think that they have to introduce their characters in their prologues, and that sort of defeats the purpose of a prologue.
To see that you didn't do that here was an entirely refreshing read, very clear and wonderful. Everything was presented realistically, something that's not common to see in fantasy fiction.
I love your writing style. It's always clear and fluent, without any major (if any, at all) flaws.
Gold star on this, dear. Wonderful, wonderful piece. =] Keep it up!
June
Hi there! See, I told you I’d get to it. XD
This is, in my opinion, considerably better. I really liked the previous opening, but I agree with you that this has much more punch—there’s just a lot more happening.
I really like what you did with the characters here. This king is pretty despicable, but not too over-the-top; I can see how there could still be room to develop him if that’s the route you’re going to go.
I also really like the bit with this djinn, and I think this display of their powers is a little more interesting than the one in chapter one—it’s certainly more dramatic.
Here’s the only change I would make:
I think “the gap through which the king observed the city” might read more clearly.
In short, this is a very well-written prologue and a good hook into the story. I’m headed for chapter two right away!
A really interesting story and your description is really good.The things that I thought was confusing has already already been quoted by GoldenQuill.
well any way the plot is good and your were able to start it with a bang.
That was good. It's not really the kind of stories I read, but it had good description. You're an amazing writer. ^.^
What I didn't understand is this:
Mkay. That's all fine and good. The city would be his by morning. But then...
So it won't be soon? I'm a little confused. If you meant something else won't be soon, please try to clarify.
Other than that, it's pretty good. Good job. ^.^